I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but somewhere in between me pining after Ryan Castro in the first, second and third grades (until I realized he couldn't go to birthday parties because he was a Jehovah's Witness - which kinda made me love him even more - because he had to be a little tortured, right?) and my romantic exploits as of late, somewhere along the way....I've turned into a dude. Which totally took this girly girl by surprise. I don't know if it's because my heart has turned to stone (which isn't to say men are stone-y hearted) or if I've just gotten older or more pragmatic (not to say that men are more pragmatic) or what. But I'm pretty certain dudes don't feel this massive amount of guilt about behaving the way they do. They don't know any other way. I'm sorta cursed with the knowledge of how girls feel at the same time. And it's awful. I can't even fully enjoy acting like a dude! Geesh. I'm so complex....or an asshole.
But my point is - I've never experienced this kind of role reversal - and it's tripping me out. I am not really interested in getting into a serious relationship and I bristle at the idea of talking about my feelings and I'm just content hanging out, having fun and not getting too deep. You'd think this would be the ideal girl for some guys. Apparently, Smarty Pants isn't one of those guys and feels this laid back, whatevs approach isn't cutting it and has expressed as much to me recently. Granted, we've been doing couple-y things lately and I guess it might have been sending the wrong kind of message. Like going out of town for the weekend together, reading the New York Times real estate section over egg sandwiches and coffee, spending multiple days throughout the week at each other's apartments and slowly introducing some friends along the way....oh man. I already feel myself having a mini panic attack over what I've just typed. My sense of feeling trapped, however, didn't really set in until he wanted to talk about "where this is going" and "what I want out of it". He's really gone out of his way to open himself up and talk about what he wants and what he won't put up with in a relationship. I've totally turned him into a girl.
I think it may be harder for women to express that they don't want to be in a committed relationship. We are somehow made to feel more embarrassed about this. I believe it is easier to accept that a guy may have commitment issues and that he just wants to date and not be all that serious, especially after getting out of a relationship. But when a woman says that, she is regarded as a little damaged or that she wants to slut it up all over town....or she is not really believed. 'Sure you want to be in a relationship! Every woman wants to get serious and settle down, right?' Well...maybe eventually but certainly not right now. The thought actually sends me into one of those little panic attacks I had a paragraph back and I start hyperventilating a little and then looking for a brown paper bag to breathe into. When I say things like - 'I'm not sure if I want to get married or maybe I wont ever have babies,' I get the reaction from friends like a look of pity and then an encouraging comment like - 'Don't say that, of course you will get married. You're still so young.' That's not really the point. I may not actually want those things for myself. I'm still figuring it out...
What I do know (because he's told me already!) is that Smarty Pants does want those things for himself. And I know I can't be that for him right now, if ever and I'm having the hardest time telling him because I don't want to give up hanging out with him and the intimacy that we do share...and the sex. God. I'm not ready to give that up yet. Whatever happened to the dirty librarian role play and the naughty dewey decimal system references? Why does it have to get all emotional? I just wish it could stay shallow and hot. I'd be fine with that. See? I am a dude.
