Beard, I'm Over You

We had a nice run, Beard. But I think I'm done. Oh yes, you charmed me at first when you sprouted up on the myriad of faces of young men all over town, there was a kind of manly mystique about it all. God knows I prefer a man to a boy and there is nothing more virile than a thick down of fur on a gent's mug to man up the proceedings. From Seattle to Schenectady, you, Beard were a major player. Before this point, I had no idea I had the hots for the sexy professor/bad-ass lobster fisherman/'70s rock star combo. But, there it was. I was smitten. Looking back on it all, I think there was something comforting and familiar about it for me....a child of the late '70s and '80s. Perhaps there was my very own Kris Kristofferson ala Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore out there to play guitar for me and drive me around in his pickup. I gotta say, Beard, I feel a little conned. Just when I was one of your biggest fans you had to go and become a cocky mother fucker. Not cool. You've gotten so full of yourself, men are starting to think of you as a super power and are growing you out to disturbing proportions! Have you seen sweet-faced Joaquin Phoenix lately? Yes, he's bat-shit crazy but wicked talented and a babe. You have single handedly made him look as crazy as he is. Also, not cool. When you are long enough to braid, I guarantee you, that's NOT HOT. And most importantly, REALLY hard to make out. There. I said it. I want you gone. Making out is more important. And it's damned near impossible when you're around.

I had a recent make out with a beard attached to a man's face and I gotta say, it wasn't easy. It looked like it had gotten out of control from the last time I had seen him but I really didn't know the extent of the madness until I went in and really investigated. With my face. It wasn't pretty. I got more beard inside my mouth than I care to discuss. The beard to lip ratio was entirely unfair. I think HE was kissing his beard. Not like I pictured it. So I've come to the conclusion that I prefer my men to be less hirsute in '09. Dating is hard enough. Let's make it easier on everyone and make our mouths accessible during a make out. Thank you.