It is not LOL, motherf*&%er!

If your online dating 'handle name' is Right4U or SxyMan69 with a headline: Ready, Willing and Able - don't expect an e-mail response from this lady. If you have misspelled more than five words and don't reference ANYTHING I've written in my profile but instead mention that you like my mouth and would I like to have a drink sometime....the answer is no and it'll be said out loud to my computer screen and not sent because I can't even be bothered with typing a response. Oh - and if you write LOL at all in your e-mail to me, it'll be delete city, buddy. I had someone send an e-mail recently with a minimum (i kid you not) of 4 LOLs. Unforgivable.

Like everything in the virtual world - blogs, texts, boards, even e-mail messages to colleagues, people are much more brave, opinionated and larger than life. Communicating in this way has become preferable for more and more people. I now know some people who don't even use their cell phones to talk to human beings anymore - it is solely used for text message communication. This is irritating for someone like me who is not so nimble with their fingers (when it comes to those freakin tiny buttons, that is) and about a zillion minutes that keep rolling over from Cingular (damned cell phone screw jobs.) I also pay a fee each time I receive or send a text message because I've figured (in the past) that I would just pick up the horn when I'm running late rather than send a text: b there in 10 min, k? Bad idea. I was already getting a fair amount of texts before dating online but now I am totally forced to change my already effed up cell plan. It's amazing how 10 cents adds up....when you are having full on CONVERSATIONS over texts. Jesus. Unbelievable - how we've distanced ourselves from one another.

I'm not a hooker, I swear.

There seems to be a lot of RULES involved in internet dating:

• DRINKS not dinner on the first date (you may want to spend as little time and money and effort on that first meeting...)

• IF you want to see that person again, lose the secret squirrel e-mail account and exchange your real world ones and

• THERE'S a minimum of at least 5 e-mail exchanges before arranging for a meet & greet, play-date, what have you.

But when it comes to sex, there doesn't seem to be any hard and fast rules. (it just came out that way, I promise - this subject brings out the minx in me.) Some people make-out on the first date, some end with a hug and peck on the cheek (even if they're into each other) and others end up sloppy drunk and naked pretty fast (even if they're NOT into each other). My gay boyfriends would say that sex is a pretty important element that they aren't willing to leave to the imagination for very long. Sex on the first date is pretty common with the gay boys. Even if they're looking for a long term relationship. I would have to say that it depends on the couple involved, of course. But according to my recent findings these last couple of weeks - now almost a MONTH (!) - I see that it makes sense on the third date. ...or, at least it did last night. Does it change things? We will soon find out.

I have a second date on Saturday with a Cutey Pie and a first with a Charming Bloke tomorrow. The Smarty Pants (lucky fella last night) is still on the radar, however and is really the one I've been studying the most - or able to study since I have spent the most time with him. I would say this experiment thus far is paying off on a number of levels....

drunk winking

I've gotten myself in some pickles lately. After a few (too many) glasses of wine I don't suggest logging onto your dating website and trolling through people's profiles who have been looking at you.

Besides e-mailing someone directly, my dating site has the option of putting someone on a 'hotlist' or sending them a virtual 'wink' to express their interest. I have a hard time keeping track of all the winks and hotlists that I've been put on (have I mentioned I've had over 550 viewings??) and it seems so overwhelming to go through the list.....when I'm SOBER. Apparently, it's super fun when I'm three sheets...and I have been reciprocating those actions with some winks of my own. I guess for those more passive guys that didn't want to send an e-mail to introduce themselves, this opens the door for one. You know what they say about beer goggles....I think it's even worse over the computer because people can craft whoever they want to be, the best versions of themselves if themselves at ALL. That's when that blurry guy with the handlebar mustache who's into dark Japanese animation and Morrocan food doesn't look half that bad. Wrong. He's a freak and if I were sober, I would have spotted that right away. I didn't just do it once...I soon learned.

I had an epic night of drunk winking a few nights ago. And, Voila. I wake up to 20 e-mails the next morning. And these were all from guys that thought I was making some moves so they were totally justified. Sorry guys! No more drunk winking for me. Otherwise I'll have some very confused and frustrated men rallying to crown me the biggest internet tease in history. I don't really want that title, thank you very much.

Babies On The First Date???

Contrary to popular belief, there are a LOT of single men in their thirties (and forties, for that matter) in the New York metropolitan area looking for a love connection. And not just a love connection but something serious, lasting, the ONE. At least according to the many profiles I've perused in my week as an online dater.

A lot of these guys have done the dating thing for a while and had a great time in their twenties but are now finding themselves single in a sea of couples and wanting what their buddies have - a long term relationship (sex on a regular basis), a family (mini versions of themselves), a house upstate (just another NY right of passage).....It's like while I was in a relationship for four years the universe had somehow shifted and I've suddenly been plopped into Opposite Land and the roles have been reversed!

In this new Opposite Land universe, men bring up the baby conversation on the first date. For reals. I mean, I can go there and I realize that this is a deal breaker for a lot of folks in their 30's but I couldn't help thinking that if a lady even casually mentioned something about something with the word baby in the sentence on the first date, the guy would scare away faster than you could say "I still collect cabbage patch dolls and 100 stuffed animals share my bed." Gals are taught this even before we START dating. That's like dating 101 "though shalt not utter the words marriage or babies until well into the 35th date...." or something or other. Again, many of us have been weened on Sex And The City but, damn that show was right on about so much shit.

This Opposite Land is confusing for a girl like me who just wants to get out there and have a bit of fun. I have a second date tomorrow (with last week's guy) and another first date later this week. I've just begun and I'm already having some doubts. Whatevs. I'll just roll with it for the purpose of this blog for now.

And it's an ALL SKATE....

Skateland was the name of my hometown's skating rink. I spent the better part of the 80's at this den of disco, hair rock and Ms. Pac Man. And I was certain to spend every birthday from the tender age of 6 to (the little too old) 12 with a Baskin and Robbins ice cream cake (topped with decorative skates, of course) a handful of pigtailed, rainbow-ed out girls and the random boy or two. The girl to guy ratio was always off but was pretty representative of my social circle at the time. It inevitably broke my heart when a slow song came on because that was the signal for the masses of kids to clear the floor to let the couples take over. I would wait with the rest of my girls, leaning up against the brown shag carpeted side walls and pretend to enjoy the Air Supply song stylings as I longingly stared at all the older kids and secretly wondered if I would ever be filled in on the mystery of love. My life would be saved the instant the schmaltzy song came to a close and the DJ would put the needle to Off the Wall and announce very slowly and close to the microphone....."And...it's....an...ALL SKATE!" Hurray!

I've since learned a thing or two about the sexes, love and men in general over the last 20 years or so since I retired my skates but sometimes I still feel like that girl leaning against the sweaty shag waiting for the slow song to end.

I'm surrounded by couples. All my close girlfriends are married, co-habiting or in serious relationships with someone. Not to mention the onslaught of baby appearances in just the last two years. The single guys I know don't count because most of them are single because they want to be and don't ever put any pressure on themselves to be otherwise. It's rare to find women as content with their singledom. I, for one, could count myself as such (content, that is) with my single status for this past year and a half.

It was pretty inconceivable to imagine myself going out on a date again after being out of the game for nearly five years. Dating in New York pretty much sounded to me like a slow torture that I wasn't willing to inflict on myself. I've read the statistics, the male to female ratio in New York. I've seen enough episodes of Sex And The City and known enough single girls that remain so and decide to move back to where they came from just to meet a fella. It's terrifying out there, right? I never thought I'd be back in this position. But here I am - not quite sure if I even believe in "the one" anymore or if marriage really can work for most people or if I even really want a boyfriend still. I just know that I have a pretty fulfilling life and I'm pretty ok company and I don't want to put too much work into it. That's where this internet dating thing comes into play......

I took some pictures recently for a girlfriend who is on two different dating sites and wanted some new, fresh, hot (but not too hot) pics to put up on her profile. She came over and we took some super cute shots and she uploaded them right then and there. A couple of days later I wanted to check out how they looked and couldn't get onto the site without creating a profile of my own. The next thing I knew, I was detailing what I was looking for in a man and editing down my I-pod collection of songs to make myself sound cool and diverse. I knew as soon as I stopped editing my profile, it would be sent out to the boy universe and I would get looked at and judged in a much more thorough way than a dimly lit bar. I didn't know how I felt about that. Needless to say, I ended at 4:30 am and was a bit punchy. That may actually account for how and why I decided to join the millions of other cyber-daters and dive headfirst into the modern dating pool....

That was four days ago. This is my profile activity since then:

Total views since 4/6/2007	233
Times in Hotlists in the past 30 days	24
Past 30 days
Matching Views	82
Winks	10

I responded to 5. Last night I went on my first date.