My Affair With Facebook: On The Rocks

Facebook,

God, how do I say this? It's not that I want to break up, it's just....FUCK!

Remember...when we were cool? When you were the shiny, new kid on the scene? You sorta flew under the radar at first, low-key, not the desperate type....just like, She'll come to me if she wants to, when she's ready And I was all, Sure, seems a little bland, not really my type but I'll give it shot. And then...I was hooked. I fell hard. I found myself checking in with you every day, sometimes a couple times of day, installing you on my Blackberry to keep closer tabs. Suddenly it was necessary for me to know in real time that Jackie was watching a kid projectile vomit at the Plaza and Lisa was picking up luggage with Catharine Keener at LAX. I felt connected and in on the secrets (along with the rest of their hundreds of friends). And who can forget, during the election, people's Facebook status's were ON FIRE. When Obama was officially declared our president, I will always look back and fondly remember the hundreds of ecstatic updates throughout the night. It was also an immediate way for me to do a little profiling and identify all the Republicans (in the minority of my FB friend pool) who had less than enthusiastic status mentions and (even weirder) blatant omissions of the worldly event - Barry from Boise with his rote "Taco Tuesday" update apparently wasn't feelin' the love I had been deep in the heart of Brooklyn, yo.

I can admit it now. I became addicted to you. How could I resist? I mean, when we first got serious, you were blowing my mind on a daily basis. Forget the Top Friends and murder-inducing Super Poke applications (VIRTUAL martinis? Are you fucking kidding me? I'd rather have you throw a virtual sheep at me, at least I wouldn't be thirsty and pissed off it wasn't real). Those are superficial attractions to lure in those who truly don't understand you, Facebook. I'm talking about the PEOPLE I was finally able to reconnect with! Friends I hadn't thought about in years were suddenly coming out of the woodwork. I was thrown back into various life stages of elementary, middle, high school and college. Because it had been 10-15 years since I had seen people, it was like I was able to get in a time machine that blasted me into the future and I was able to see what people had grown up into. Some of it made total sense - Of COURSE Shanan is a born again make-up "artist" married to a military man in the Carolinas and no-DUH, Brian is a fireman in Fresno with the whitest kids I've ever seen! And everyone I thought was probs gay in high school, totally IS! Except one. Well, not to his wife and kids, at least. Or Congregation. Ugh.

Near the beginning I got over the fact that you sent a broken heart out to the newsfeed of EVERY freakin' person I knew after I changed my relationship status. My former boss didn't need to be contacting me about that, thanks. That was a hard one for me to get over and it was nearly a deal breaker but I hung in there...and learned not to have any mention of my relationship status on my profile to avoid any of that bullshit for future break up protection. But to be honest with myself, I was already under your spell, Facebook. I needed the challenge to dig up the most remote, yet meaningful friendships that had some sort of impact on me. It was a delicate balance - people who had drifted but would be happy to hear from me. And when I found them, it was insta-access to their lives - or what they would allow to fit within their profile, which could be pretty revealing. This new kind of allowed voyeurism was a great way to be re-introduced to people who had become unfamiliar. And super appealing to my nosy side. I was finding myself looking at complete strangers photo albums! And THEN the WHOLE WORLD joined at once. Seriously. Didn't the whole world join at ONCE??

That's when I took a step back and really evaluated this relationship. The thrill of finding people is gone...Everyone's been found. I've been chasing that same high for months. Now that the mysteries are no longer, I just don't feel that original connection to you any more. Yes, I still like checking the status updates from time to time (now that I've blocked out the most boring of the status abusers) and seeing people's pictures still gives me a thrill...I don't know, maybe it's me. Maybe I've changed. It's not like I want to completely break up. I mean, I NEED you in my life still. I just think we should take a little break. A little breather. Reassess this thing between us and see where we are at in a few months. And no, I'm still not taking a goddamn quiz to find out which Eight is Enough character I am. I'm serious about that one. Shut up. I'm serious. (Update: I'm Nancy Bradford) fuck it. I'm done for.

Things I just discovered about myself:

• I am majorly addicted to a retarded game on my Blackberry called BrickBreaker. Like seriously. I'm embarrassing myself on the train.
• I can be totally satisfied with a box of lemon tea cookies and an $8 bottle of wine for dinner. More than satisfied. It's kind of my favorite meal of all time (at the moment).
• I am more interested in design and home decorating mags than fashion-y ones right now.
  
• If I don't have plans on a Friday night and I get to hit the hay before 11, it's kinda dreamy.

And I discovered all of this tonight. A Friday. One of the two sacred, going-out nights of the week and I am destroying bricks on my phone with a laser, ingesting my weight in cookies and marginal wine and getting off on throw pillows I can't afford. I might as well just gain 50 pounds now, adopt 13 cats and give up any hope of ever getting laid again. All I need to complete this anti-make-out solo-palooza night is the addition of some good/bad lady porn and then start sucking face with my pillow (I know pillows don't have faces). Alas, I already sent In The Cut back to Netflix. However, I haven't sent back my memory of those steamy scenes. Boo-yah!

I mean, this isn't the picture of my EVERY Friday night...but I have to say, it was actually pretty awesome. No one called, no one e-mailed or texted or harshed my buzz with a Facebook friend request. And I luxuriated in the indulgent, time wasting activities that ate up my evening....all the while increasing my knowledge of African textile trends, waxing poetic on the religious pairing I created with tea cookies and red wine (over and over) and getting to level 13 on BrickBreaker. Level 13, bitches!

OK. I'm scared. I admit it. I enjoyed this evening a little too much and I fear I will be tempted to replicate some semblance of it when I should be dolling myself up for a night on the town, honing my craft of the small talk and hair flirting and putting that "women are more attractive while ovulating" theory to the test - you know, regular dating detective duties.

Fuck it. It's one night. A gal needs a break from that nonsense to concentrate on more important things in her life. Like getting to level 14....I gotta go. Pray for me. I might need a BrickBreaker intervention if I keep this up. I can't get enough of that shit!

Ms. Lulu's Monthly Investigative Report

The upDATE

HIGHLIGHT

Getting asked out on a date by a very sweet boy 8 years my junior.

LOWLIGHT

Attending a small birthday dinner with a former (not so long ago) hook-up, his new t.v. star girlfriend and three other couples....Guess who got drunk?

HIGHLIGHT

Getting whisked away on a snowy eve to a lovely wine bar by Sweet Boy and charmed by his "no game" approach. He was so extremely complimentary and sweet and over-the-top gushy over me....ok, he just HAD no game. Maybe that wasn't a choice, but it was kinda refreshing.

LOWLIGHT

Learning over said date that Sweet Boy had JUST given up painting graffiti. Ok, fine. Still skateboarded. Kinda cute? Lives in the depths of Bushwick with a roommate. Ouchy. And has only been out of college for four years. What? Really?? All of these ah, youth! life-realities combined to make me feel like an old lady. Which is NOT a highlight, my friends.

HIGHLIGHT

Deciding to go on a second date with Sweet Boy because, well...he was just so upbeat and fun. His enthusiasm was infectious and besides, one date is always hard to gauge much unless it's horribly wrong. Plus he kept telling me I was pretty. I'm a sucker for that. Did I mention he's a twin? Could be hot...

LOWLIGHT

Panicking after Sweet Boy friend-ed me on Facebook after our first date. Are we at that level yet?? Do I have to be FB friends with ALL my first dates?? I fear this will start affecting my status updates. I already have enough stress over FB with Smarty Pants being in my circle of friends.

Speaking of which...

HIGHLIGHT

Regaining contact with Smarty Pants after months of minimalistic, haiku, check-in notes to each other over Facebook. We finally had a light exchange that made it seem like we could probs be friends!

LOWLIGHT/HIGHLIGHT/LOWLIGHT

Meeting up with Smarty Pants for a casual, friends-only drink. Drink turning to drinks, casual turning romantic and friends-only degrading into a heart pounding, ten steps back danger zone of coupledom in a single evening, including an emotional break-up after breakfast. ugh.

WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS. apparently.

HIGHLIGHT

Seeing the epic Eugene O'Neill play Mourning Becomes Electra (all 4 1/2 hours of it!) where various characters use the term "Fancy Lady" to refer to an immoral woman/mistress. It's now my new favorite term of all time. So much better than skank. I'm even considering renaming this blog.

LOWLIGHT

Feeling the immense guilt over Smarty Pants all over again. And the mind fuck that night had on me. I was doubting everything I was so sure about 3 months prior...We are NOT pam & tommy, we are not pam and tommy...

HIGHLIGHT
Making the decision, after having a second date with Sweet Boy and realizing that we had no real sexual chemistry, to nip it in the bud before it progressed any further. After we kissed and made plans for a third date, of course. baby steps. Before the third date was suppose to happen, I sent him this:

I had a lot of fun with you on thursday and wanted to thank you again for springing for the tix and picking up the tab that night! You're a true gent, ____! A girl should be so lucky to have you on her arm. Speaking of which....I may not be that gal. I'm coming to this conclusion mainly because the times we've hung out, it's been so great but I keep thinking of cute girls that I want to set you up with...not necessarily what you SHOULD be thinking on a date but it is a complement and I hope you don't take it like it isn't. You're adorable and charming and so super sweet, I can barely stand it. But I guess I'm feeling more of a friendship vibe between us. It may also be the fact that I've just come off of a relationship and I haven't really been interested in entering another one for now. So to be cliched and boring...it's not you, it's me. That said, I really DO think you're awesome and super fun. If you'll be my friend, I would be thrilled. If not, I totally get that, you may have already filled your friend quota and we can go back to pre-__-and-__-on-dates every day life. It's up to you.
i know that we set a date for this tuesday so you can let me know what you want to do. I'd still be up for doing something..

Granted, my friend K Lo, upon first glance said there were too many exclamation points. But all in all, I think it came off nice, honest and grown up. Big leaps for me.

LOWLIGHT
This e-mail back from him:

Im disappointed. But I totally get where you are coming from. Iappreciate your honesty, and think its cool that you brought this upbefore anything else developed.
lets hold off...and call me if ever just want to fuck ;)

Not such a Sweet Boy, I guess. OK - I highlighted that last part but I just wanted to make sure you didn't miss the delicate subtlety in his words there. He certainly went for it, no? To say that I was shocked from his response especially after I poured my heart out into that rejection e-mail is an understatement. The sound that came out of my mouth (whilst at work, mind you) upon reading this was something like: "omigwhaaathewhodoeshethink...baaaaaahhhhh!" Then I laughed. Then I was shocked all over again. Did I mention we were Facebook friends?

HIGHLIGHT
Laughing over that e-mail over the next couple of days. And then getting this e-mail from him a few days later:

You know ____, I DO understand where you are coming from. I thinkyou are so thoughtful to even consider my feelings at this point. Ofcourse I am looking for a relationship...down the road, but I am alsojust looking for good people I feel comfortable around. Its tough inNY to meet really cool women. I like you and have fun talking withyou. Plus I wouldn't mind if you introduced me to someone...althoughthey wouldn't be as cute as you!! Anyway, I really enjoy your companyand would want to be your friend if nothing more.

Oops! Did he accidentally send that douche-y e-mail reponse before he had a chance to think to send this REAL one that is more in character with the guy I met those few times? Is his twin brother an evil one who logs in as him and sabotages all communication with the opposite sex? Because sending an e-mail like the first one will guarantee you'll NEVER get laid. It's what my friend A refers to as an ANTI-Boner.

So now, I'm a little torn. Should I respond at all? If he regretted sending that first response, he didn't really refer to it the second time around. Was that just his attempt at humor and he was trying to make an awkward situation....more awkward? Should I just lighten up??

Key Learnings from this past month:

• don't assume you can be friends with your ex (esp after loads of wine)
• don't date boys who were 9 when you moved into your first apartment
• use "Fancy Lady" whenever it seems appropriate, which is every day I'm sure.

Till next time, this Fancy Lady is signing off.

Beard, I'm Over You

We had a nice run, Beard. But I think I'm done. Oh yes, you charmed me at first when you sprouted up on the myriad of faces of young men all over town, there was a kind of manly mystique about it all. God knows I prefer a man to a boy and there is nothing more virile than a thick down of fur on a gent's mug to man up the proceedings. From Seattle to Schenectady, you, Beard were a major player. Before this point, I had no idea I had the hots for the sexy professor/bad-ass lobster fisherman/'70s rock star combo. But, there it was. I was smitten. Looking back on it all, I think there was something comforting and familiar about it for me....a child of the late '70s and '80s. Perhaps there was my very own Kris Kristofferson ala Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore out there to play guitar for me and drive me around in his pickup. I gotta say, Beard, I feel a little conned. Just when I was one of your biggest fans you had to go and become a cocky mother fucker. Not cool. You've gotten so full of yourself, men are starting to think of you as a super power and are growing you out to disturbing proportions! Have you seen sweet-faced Joaquin Phoenix lately? Yes, he's bat-shit crazy but wicked talented and a babe. You have single handedly made him look as crazy as he is. Also, not cool. When you are long enough to braid, I guarantee you, that's NOT HOT. And most importantly, REALLY hard to make out. There. I said it. I want you gone. Making out is more important. And it's damned near impossible when you're around.

I had a recent make out with a beard attached to a man's face and I gotta say, it wasn't easy. It looked like it had gotten out of control from the last time I had seen him but I really didn't know the extent of the madness until I went in and really investigated. With my face. It wasn't pretty. I got more beard inside my mouth than I care to discuss. The beard to lip ratio was entirely unfair. I think HE was kissing his beard. Not like I pictured it. So I've come to the conclusion that I prefer my men to be less hirsute in '09. Dating is hard enough. Let's make it easier on everyone and make our mouths accessible during a make out. Thank you.

Breaking News: These Two Can't Stay Away From Each Other.

I know what you're thinking:
1) Who Cares? 2) Really? 3) Again, Who Cares? 3) But seriously, Really??

Now, I realize that this isn't breaking news. Not close, (they were spotted last June swapping spit with their boys in the backseat, no less) but I still think it's kinda amazing that these crazy kids always seem to come back to each other. It's kind of romantic, no? I mean, who doesn't like a good comeback? But, seriously, it's to the point where it's kind of expected that these two will just end up together. Perhaps it's destiny. It could be chemical. No one else seems to measure up? (In Pamela's case that might very well be true - have you seen that video?? Dayum, Tommy) Knowing these two, it's probs the S.E.X. No doubt these guys have hang-from-the-rafters-monkey-sex on a daily basis when they're back on. Maybe they just need those couple of year breaks in between to have widely speculated, very public relationships with other rock stars, low lifes and porn ladies to keep things fresh. On a VERY small, un-public and VD-free scale, I can kinda relate.

Every adult relationship I've had, there's been a break up and then a return to see if it could work out again period. Some of those were multiple returns. In the case of my early 20's, I think I thrived on that up and down misery and drama (and S.E.X. of course) but when I got a little older, I really believed that getting back together in that relationship was going to end up at the alter. In my most recent case of re-relationship do-overs, Smarty Pants showed up at my work and over drinks made a total case for US and our FUTURE and was braver than I'd ever seen him before. I was hopeful, swept up in the romance of it all and genuinely missing him. And turned on. So. Smarty Pants 2.0 was born just 3 months after we had decided to call it off. But despite the fact that we were both heading into our "new" relationship reinvigorated and willing to work on things, the truth was that we coasted on the fumes of that initial, over the top, romantic eve he decided to win me back and by the end of nearly 5 months of that, we lost all fuel to drive us further. We were again on empty and I was feeling like we just weren't meant to be. It was MUCH harder the second time around breaking things off, though. We were both more invested and it had also spanned over a year when all was said and done. When you are in your thirties, a relationship that lasts a year is like 5 in pre-thirties years. People are on a clear path. I know he was, and again, I was feeling the pressure of that and not wanting to waste his time if it just wasn't right.
So here I am again, single for three months now and....doing ok! It's exactly where I want to be. I still am not feeling the internet dating thing but I am allowing myself to be open to any and all possibilities.

And the greatest news of ALL, is that I am back on this blog. I know, it seemed like I broke up with MDP for good...but it's not like I was cheating with another dating blog or anything. I just needed a little break. Tommy and Pam would understand. The truth is, I missed it terribly. So, if you'll have me back....I promise, it'll be worth it. :)

Spring Is For Lovers!

Something special seems to happen in New York this time every year. I wouldn't go so far to say that love is in the air...more like lust. It's like we're all walking around with a dirty little secret and we're none too good about hiding it. The energy is palpable in condensed areas like, say, the long B train ride from Brooklyn to Manhattan where you find yourself gazing a li-tt-le too long at that strapping hunk of man's bicep gripping the subway pole (I mean, was he trying to flex and show off?? Sheesh!) or in that nutso-busy Starbucks in the morning where waiting for your coffee with a group of strangers now somehow feels a little naughty and slightly uncomfortable and why not chat up that double tall latte for a brief moment before the nice guy who serves you coffee everyday noticeably pulls the undressing-with-the-eyes move? As he hands you your Americano and his eyes skim over your body, your heart thumps a little harder, a flush rushes to your face, beads of sweat form at the top of your brow - there is something awakened in you... It might just be the anticipation of that sweet, sweet caffeine but I'd like to look at it in a more romantic way, thank you.

One of the reasons why it's so blissful this time of year is because we know it is so fleeting. It has been a loooong road for New Yorkers (Winter) to get here and we are damned well going to enjoy every minute of it. Spring in NYC doesn't even really start until mid-April (right now) and we will be lucky if it stretches past mid-May before the stickiness sets in. March totally doesn't count.

It's like if March were a boyfriend, he'd totally be the headtrippy kind who is warm and sweet one day and cold as ice the next. You wouldn't know what to expect from him and he'd be playing GAMES the entire time....blowing you off with his pissy attitude all week and then sucking you back in with sugar, sweet sunshine and a bunch of flowers. A March dude is a prick. And you should leave his ass. Yeah, you think he will change...we all do....every year. He's just so chock-full of potential. But the fact is, that fucker is a player! Hey - as long as you know what you're getting yourself into...I just say, you're gonna get hurt. An April man on the other hand really comes through. He's the type who may be a little reserved at first, a little reticent to completely open up but once he does....BAM! He knocks it out of the park. Man, is he worth it. Yes, you've got to hold out a little for him to fully blossom, but if you put in the work, girls, he's a winner. Rarely does an April man disappoint. Every day just gets better and better. Then there is May. Now this fella is a LO-VER. It's woo-city nearly every day with this guy. He just knows how to romance a lady and does everything right. He's always in a great mood and he smells AWESOME. He's the kind of guy you have a hard time leaving to go to work in the morning or the store or the bathroom. A May man can hypnotize you willingly, have all your friends wondering where you've disappeared to all month, charm your neighbors and still come off like an upstanding gentleman. Even on those few days where he might be a little off, you can easily forgive him because you know not every day can be PERFECT. It doesn't get any better than that! No wonder there are so many weddings in June.

So, it's no coincidence that this is the time of year I have typically met people. But for some reason I'm still not fully there. I still have no desire to go back to Internet dating (partly because I'm a little shell-shocked from my last experience) regardless of some recent responses. I should really update my profile if I did decide to do that anyway...I noticed Smarty Pants has. (hey - he checked mine out too!) I was trying to figure out if he had changed some of his answers in response to our relationship, like - "looking for a woman who knows exactly what she wants" and "willing to talk about the future" and "enjoys being emotionally available". That's what I'd do. But he just added some recent pics and changed up his book preferences. I'm fairly certain he's thrown himself back in already, as he should. It'll take me a little bit more time. Maybe May is my month. Too bad May doesn't last all year. But then it wouldn't be so special, I suppose. Yeah, I could really use a May man. There's nothing like getting swept off your feet in Spring.

Deal Breakers

Some people's relationship standards are, um....questionable. But for the rest of us, we tend to have some things that we just can't tolerate from someone we are going to potentially share saliva, let alone an intimate life with. We all now know these as Deal Breakers and they are everywhere on Internet dating profiles.

On the site I've used, some of the initial biggies are even conveniently created by the site themselves in the form of basic questions located to the right of every one's profile page. They are impersonal, just the facts, ma'am but extremely important. This is often where the Internet-dating-trained-eye goes first (right after the posted pics, of course) to make the very first rejection. If the pictures pass the 'sufficiently attractive test', the right part of the page is where you go to find out everything from whether he's taller than your boobs, just interested in 'playing' or if he's a recent divorcée. One of these answers might warrant a DB arrest from someone or the combination could amount to a click to the next profile. It really depends on your priorities. Some people only go to two spots: job description or the BABY question. But besides that, everyone has some sort of 'wish list' in the body of their individual profile citing exactly what they are looking for in a prospective mate. Often-times these are littered with DBs for that particular person. Guys tend to be less creative (or specific) than women about their DBs. I think almost every dude I've checked out mentioned something about not being interested in dating a crazy lady. Good luck!

Of course many times it's not until you meet the person that you find out what your DBs really are. Some are revealed right off the bat ("I believe in splitting the check on the first couple dates...") and others come to light when you're 3 years in ("I think I might be gay"). An inordinate amount of nose hair, an affection for homophobic slurs, Republican leanings and a pack a day habit are usually (DBs for me) made known pretty early on but then there are the ginormous DBs that aren't fully revealed until one has already gotten involved - like discovering your partner has decided they don't want babies....ever. That one is the quintessential DB because it's pretty definitive. Minds can change but don't count on it, sister. Alcoholism, drug addiction, mental instability, an unnatural addiction to porn - all pretty much no-brainer DBs but kinda hard to spot early on. These are the DBs that can be the most painful...and drawn out. So, Kate, I feel ya. It must have been pretty tortuous to be in love with a junkie, especially when EVERYONE was telling you to drop him. I'm not sure what finally did it for you (maybe he left the toilet seat up one too many times). I'm just glad you came to your senses...for the time being.

Our relationship priorities do shift as we age and learn what we can and cannot tolerate in a partner. At the top of my list of requirements is no longer that my best friend thinks he's cute or his mom is cool or that he has an appreciation for the movies Heathers and Say Anything. And my number one deal breaker no longer involves chest hair or whether or not he has a car (on the West Coast I know that's still a major DB but in New York, no biggie). But some things have still remained intact. He must be nice to me (and my friends) and still reeeeally like me and tell me so regularly. And he must be a good kisser. You also learn as you get older that it's a fine balance of compromises. So if he refers to Target as Tar-jay EVERY time or says "that's how I role" a little too much - it's mildly annoying, yes but not a DB because he's actually very smart and can be clever and thoughtful and generous. But if he has tattoos on the face/neck (called job stoppers in the tattoo biz) and lacks actual employment AND spends a little too much time on Facebook, I'd say he'd better be awesome in a number of other ways that balance out those potential DB doozies.

Smarty Pants and I discovered some personal DBs recently and have unfortunately come to an end. Apparently his stopping point has something to do with having his girlfriend be emotionally unavailable and not willing to talk about the future. And mine is having someone who resents me for not wanting to go there right now. But I totally get it. It's been almost an entire year and he deserves someone who can commit in every way. It's still a total bummer and I'm trying not to be down in the dumpers about it...or contact him (because apparently that's confusing). What I've found from this experience is that some deal breakers aren't so cut and dry...it's sometimes just a feeling that somethings not right and may never be. And he wasn't even a junkie. Man, we are all crazy.