My Affair With Facebook: On The Rocks

Facebook,

God, how do I say this? It's not that I want to break up, it's just....FUCK!

Remember...when we were cool? When you were the shiny, new kid on the scene? You sorta flew under the radar at first, low-key, not the desperate type....just like, She'll come to me if she wants to, when she's ready And I was all, Sure, seems a little bland, not really my type but I'll give it shot. And then...I was hooked. I fell hard. I found myself checking in with you every day, sometimes a couple times of day, installing you on my Blackberry to keep closer tabs. Suddenly it was necessary for me to know in real time that Jackie was watching a kid projectile vomit at the Plaza and Lisa was picking up luggage with Catharine Keener at LAX. I felt connected and in on the secrets (along with the rest of their hundreds of friends). And who can forget, during the election, people's Facebook status's were ON FIRE. When Obama was officially declared our president, I will always look back and fondly remember the hundreds of ecstatic updates throughout the night. It was also an immediate way for me to do a little profiling and identify all the Republicans (in the minority of my FB friend pool) who had less than enthusiastic status mentions and (even weirder) blatant omissions of the worldly event - Barry from Boise with his rote "Taco Tuesday" update apparently wasn't feelin' the love I had been deep in the heart of Brooklyn, yo.

I can admit it now. I became addicted to you. How could I resist? I mean, when we first got serious, you were blowing my mind on a daily basis. Forget the Top Friends and murder-inducing Super Poke applications (VIRTUAL martinis? Are you fucking kidding me? I'd rather have you throw a virtual sheep at me, at least I wouldn't be thirsty and pissed off it wasn't real). Those are superficial attractions to lure in those who truly don't understand you, Facebook. I'm talking about the PEOPLE I was finally able to reconnect with! Friends I hadn't thought about in years were suddenly coming out of the woodwork. I was thrown back into various life stages of elementary, middle, high school and college. Because it had been 10-15 years since I had seen people, it was like I was able to get in a time machine that blasted me into the future and I was able to see what people had grown up into. Some of it made total sense - Of COURSE Shanan is a born again make-up "artist" married to a military man in the Carolinas and no-DUH, Brian is a fireman in Fresno with the whitest kids I've ever seen! And everyone I thought was probs gay in high school, totally IS! Except one. Well, not to his wife and kids, at least. Or Congregation. Ugh.

Near the beginning I got over the fact that you sent a broken heart out to the newsfeed of EVERY freakin' person I knew after I changed my relationship status. My former boss didn't need to be contacting me about that, thanks. That was a hard one for me to get over and it was nearly a deal breaker but I hung in there...and learned not to have any mention of my relationship status on my profile to avoid any of that bullshit for future break up protection. But to be honest with myself, I was already under your spell, Facebook. I needed the challenge to dig up the most remote, yet meaningful friendships that had some sort of impact on me. It was a delicate balance - people who had drifted but would be happy to hear from me. And when I found them, it was insta-access to their lives - or what they would allow to fit within their profile, which could be pretty revealing. This new kind of allowed voyeurism was a great way to be re-introduced to people who had become unfamiliar. And super appealing to my nosy side. I was finding myself looking at complete strangers photo albums! And THEN the WHOLE WORLD joined at once. Seriously. Didn't the whole world join at ONCE??

That's when I took a step back and really evaluated this relationship. The thrill of finding people is gone...Everyone's been found. I've been chasing that same high for months. Now that the mysteries are no longer, I just don't feel that original connection to you any more. Yes, I still like checking the status updates from time to time (now that I've blocked out the most boring of the status abusers) and seeing people's pictures still gives me a thrill...I don't know, maybe it's me. Maybe I've changed. It's not like I want to completely break up. I mean, I NEED you in my life still. I just think we should take a little break. A little breather. Reassess this thing between us and see where we are at in a few months. And no, I'm still not taking a goddamn quiz to find out which Eight is Enough character I am. I'm serious about that one. Shut up. I'm serious. (Update: I'm Nancy Bradford) fuck it. I'm done for.

Things I just discovered about myself:

• I am majorly addicted to a retarded game on my Blackberry called BrickBreaker. Like seriously. I'm embarrassing myself on the train.
• I can be totally satisfied with a box of lemon tea cookies and an $8 bottle of wine for dinner. More than satisfied. It's kind of my favorite meal of all time (at the moment).
• I am more interested in design and home decorating mags than fashion-y ones right now.
  
• If I don't have plans on a Friday night and I get to hit the hay before 11, it's kinda dreamy.

And I discovered all of this tonight. A Friday. One of the two sacred, going-out nights of the week and I am destroying bricks on my phone with a laser, ingesting my weight in cookies and marginal wine and getting off on throw pillows I can't afford. I might as well just gain 50 pounds now, adopt 13 cats and give up any hope of ever getting laid again. All I need to complete this anti-make-out solo-palooza night is the addition of some good/bad lady porn and then start sucking face with my pillow (I know pillows don't have faces). Alas, I already sent In The Cut back to Netflix. However, I haven't sent back my memory of those steamy scenes. Boo-yah!

I mean, this isn't the picture of my EVERY Friday night...but I have to say, it was actually pretty awesome. No one called, no one e-mailed or texted or harshed my buzz with a Facebook friend request. And I luxuriated in the indulgent, time wasting activities that ate up my evening....all the while increasing my knowledge of African textile trends, waxing poetic on the religious pairing I created with tea cookies and red wine (over and over) and getting to level 13 on BrickBreaker. Level 13, bitches!

OK. I'm scared. I admit it. I enjoyed this evening a little too much and I fear I will be tempted to replicate some semblance of it when I should be dolling myself up for a night on the town, honing my craft of the small talk and hair flirting and putting that "women are more attractive while ovulating" theory to the test - you know, regular dating detective duties.

Fuck it. It's one night. A gal needs a break from that nonsense to concentrate on more important things in her life. Like getting to level 14....I gotta go. Pray for me. I might need a BrickBreaker intervention if I keep this up. I can't get enough of that shit!

Ms. Lulu's Monthly Investigative Report

The upDATE

HIGHLIGHT

Getting asked out on a date by a very sweet boy 8 years my junior.

LOWLIGHT

Attending a small birthday dinner with a former (not so long ago) hook-up, his new t.v. star girlfriend and three other couples....Guess who got drunk?

HIGHLIGHT

Getting whisked away on a snowy eve to a lovely wine bar by Sweet Boy and charmed by his "no game" approach. He was so extremely complimentary and sweet and over-the-top gushy over me....ok, he just HAD no game. Maybe that wasn't a choice, but it was kinda refreshing.

LOWLIGHT

Learning over said date that Sweet Boy had JUST given up painting graffiti. Ok, fine. Still skateboarded. Kinda cute? Lives in the depths of Bushwick with a roommate. Ouchy. And has only been out of college for four years. What? Really?? All of these ah, youth! life-realities combined to make me feel like an old lady. Which is NOT a highlight, my friends.

HIGHLIGHT

Deciding to go on a second date with Sweet Boy because, well...he was just so upbeat and fun. His enthusiasm was infectious and besides, one date is always hard to gauge much unless it's horribly wrong. Plus he kept telling me I was pretty. I'm a sucker for that. Did I mention he's a twin? Could be hot...

LOWLIGHT

Panicking after Sweet Boy friend-ed me on Facebook after our first date. Are we at that level yet?? Do I have to be FB friends with ALL my first dates?? I fear this will start affecting my status updates. I already have enough stress over FB with Smarty Pants being in my circle of friends.

Speaking of which...

HIGHLIGHT

Regaining contact with Smarty Pants after months of minimalistic, haiku, check-in notes to each other over Facebook. We finally had a light exchange that made it seem like we could probs be friends!

LOWLIGHT/HIGHLIGHT/LOWLIGHT

Meeting up with Smarty Pants for a casual, friends-only drink. Drink turning to drinks, casual turning romantic and friends-only degrading into a heart pounding, ten steps back danger zone of coupledom in a single evening, including an emotional break-up after breakfast. ugh.

WE CAN'T BE FRIENDS. apparently.

HIGHLIGHT

Seeing the epic Eugene O'Neill play Mourning Becomes Electra (all 4 1/2 hours of it!) where various characters use the term "Fancy Lady" to refer to an immoral woman/mistress. It's now my new favorite term of all time. So much better than skank. I'm even considering renaming this blog.

LOWLIGHT

Feeling the immense guilt over Smarty Pants all over again. And the mind fuck that night had on me. I was doubting everything I was so sure about 3 months prior...We are NOT pam & tommy, we are not pam and tommy...

HIGHLIGHT
Making the decision, after having a second date with Sweet Boy and realizing that we had no real sexual chemistry, to nip it in the bud before it progressed any further. After we kissed and made plans for a third date, of course. baby steps. Before the third date was suppose to happen, I sent him this:

I had a lot of fun with you on thursday and wanted to thank you again for springing for the tix and picking up the tab that night! You're a true gent, ____! A girl should be so lucky to have you on her arm. Speaking of which....I may not be that gal. I'm coming to this conclusion mainly because the times we've hung out, it's been so great but I keep thinking of cute girls that I want to set you up with...not necessarily what you SHOULD be thinking on a date but it is a complement and I hope you don't take it like it isn't. You're adorable and charming and so super sweet, I can barely stand it. But I guess I'm feeling more of a friendship vibe between us. It may also be the fact that I've just come off of a relationship and I haven't really been interested in entering another one for now. So to be cliched and boring...it's not you, it's me. That said, I really DO think you're awesome and super fun. If you'll be my friend, I would be thrilled. If not, I totally get that, you may have already filled your friend quota and we can go back to pre-__-and-__-on-dates every day life. It's up to you.
i know that we set a date for this tuesday so you can let me know what you want to do. I'd still be up for doing something..

Granted, my friend K Lo, upon first glance said there were too many exclamation points. But all in all, I think it came off nice, honest and grown up. Big leaps for me.

LOWLIGHT
This e-mail back from him:

Im disappointed. But I totally get where you are coming from. Iappreciate your honesty, and think its cool that you brought this upbefore anything else developed.
lets hold off...and call me if ever just want to fuck ;)

Not such a Sweet Boy, I guess. OK - I highlighted that last part but I just wanted to make sure you didn't miss the delicate subtlety in his words there. He certainly went for it, no? To say that I was shocked from his response especially after I poured my heart out into that rejection e-mail is an understatement. The sound that came out of my mouth (whilst at work, mind you) upon reading this was something like: "omigwhaaathewhodoeshethink...baaaaaahhhhh!" Then I laughed. Then I was shocked all over again. Did I mention we were Facebook friends?

HIGHLIGHT
Laughing over that e-mail over the next couple of days. And then getting this e-mail from him a few days later:

You know ____, I DO understand where you are coming from. I thinkyou are so thoughtful to even consider my feelings at this point. Ofcourse I am looking for a relationship...down the road, but I am alsojust looking for good people I feel comfortable around. Its tough inNY to meet really cool women. I like you and have fun talking withyou. Plus I wouldn't mind if you introduced me to someone...althoughthey wouldn't be as cute as you!! Anyway, I really enjoy your companyand would want to be your friend if nothing more.

Oops! Did he accidentally send that douche-y e-mail reponse before he had a chance to think to send this REAL one that is more in character with the guy I met those few times? Is his twin brother an evil one who logs in as him and sabotages all communication with the opposite sex? Because sending an e-mail like the first one will guarantee you'll NEVER get laid. It's what my friend A refers to as an ANTI-Boner.

So now, I'm a little torn. Should I respond at all? If he regretted sending that first response, he didn't really refer to it the second time around. Was that just his attempt at humor and he was trying to make an awkward situation....more awkward? Should I just lighten up??

Key Learnings from this past month:

• don't assume you can be friends with your ex (esp after loads of wine)
• don't date boys who were 9 when you moved into your first apartment
• use "Fancy Lady" whenever it seems appropriate, which is every day I'm sure.

Till next time, this Fancy Lady is signing off.

Beard, I'm Over You

We had a nice run, Beard. But I think I'm done. Oh yes, you charmed me at first when you sprouted up on the myriad of faces of young men all over town, there was a kind of manly mystique about it all. God knows I prefer a man to a boy and there is nothing more virile than a thick down of fur on a gent's mug to man up the proceedings. From Seattle to Schenectady, you, Beard were a major player. Before this point, I had no idea I had the hots for the sexy professor/bad-ass lobster fisherman/'70s rock star combo. But, there it was. I was smitten. Looking back on it all, I think there was something comforting and familiar about it for me....a child of the late '70s and '80s. Perhaps there was my very own Kris Kristofferson ala Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore out there to play guitar for me and drive me around in his pickup. I gotta say, Beard, I feel a little conned. Just when I was one of your biggest fans you had to go and become a cocky mother fucker. Not cool. You've gotten so full of yourself, men are starting to think of you as a super power and are growing you out to disturbing proportions! Have you seen sweet-faced Joaquin Phoenix lately? Yes, he's bat-shit crazy but wicked talented and a babe. You have single handedly made him look as crazy as he is. Also, not cool. When you are long enough to braid, I guarantee you, that's NOT HOT. And most importantly, REALLY hard to make out. There. I said it. I want you gone. Making out is more important. And it's damned near impossible when you're around.

I had a recent make out with a beard attached to a man's face and I gotta say, it wasn't easy. It looked like it had gotten out of control from the last time I had seen him but I really didn't know the extent of the madness until I went in and really investigated. With my face. It wasn't pretty. I got more beard inside my mouth than I care to discuss. The beard to lip ratio was entirely unfair. I think HE was kissing his beard. Not like I pictured it. So I've come to the conclusion that I prefer my men to be less hirsute in '09. Dating is hard enough. Let's make it easier on everyone and make our mouths accessible during a make out. Thank you.