Deal Breakers

Some people's relationship standards are, um....questionable. But for the rest of us, we tend to have some things that we just can't tolerate from someone we are going to potentially share saliva, let alone an intimate life with. We all now know these as Deal Breakers and they are everywhere on Internet dating profiles.

On the site I've used, some of the initial biggies are even conveniently created by the site themselves in the form of basic questions located to the right of every one's profile page. They are impersonal, just the facts, ma'am but extremely important. This is often where the Internet-dating-trained-eye goes first (right after the posted pics, of course) to make the very first rejection. If the pictures pass the 'sufficiently attractive test', the right part of the page is where you go to find out everything from whether he's taller than your boobs, just interested in 'playing' or if he's a recent divorcée. One of these answers might warrant a DB arrest from someone or the combination could amount to a click to the next profile. It really depends on your priorities. Some people only go to two spots: job description or the BABY question. But besides that, everyone has some sort of 'wish list' in the body of their individual profile citing exactly what they are looking for in a prospective mate. Often-times these are littered with DBs for that particular person. Guys tend to be less creative (or specific) than women about their DBs. I think almost every dude I've checked out mentioned something about not being interested in dating a crazy lady. Good luck!

Of course many times it's not until you meet the person that you find out what your DBs really are. Some are revealed right off the bat ("I believe in splitting the check on the first couple dates...") and others come to light when you're 3 years in ("I think I might be gay"). An inordinate amount of nose hair, an affection for homophobic slurs, Republican leanings and a pack a day habit are usually (DBs for me) made known pretty early on but then there are the ginormous DBs that aren't fully revealed until one has already gotten involved - like discovering your partner has decided they don't want babies....ever. That one is the quintessential DB because it's pretty definitive. Minds can change but don't count on it, sister. Alcoholism, drug addiction, mental instability, an unnatural addiction to porn - all pretty much no-brainer DBs but kinda hard to spot early on. These are the DBs that can be the most painful...and drawn out. So, Kate, I feel ya. It must have been pretty tortuous to be in love with a junkie, especially when EVERYONE was telling you to drop him. I'm not sure what finally did it for you (maybe he left the toilet seat up one too many times). I'm just glad you came to your senses...for the time being.

Our relationship priorities do shift as we age and learn what we can and cannot tolerate in a partner. At the top of my list of requirements is no longer that my best friend thinks he's cute or his mom is cool or that he has an appreciation for the movies Heathers and Say Anything. And my number one deal breaker no longer involves chest hair or whether or not he has a car (on the West Coast I know that's still a major DB but in New York, no biggie). But some things have still remained intact. He must be nice to me (and my friends) and still reeeeally like me and tell me so regularly. And he must be a good kisser. You also learn as you get older that it's a fine balance of compromises. So if he refers to Target as Tar-jay EVERY time or says "that's how I role" a little too much - it's mildly annoying, yes but not a DB because he's actually very smart and can be clever and thoughtful and generous. But if he has tattoos on the face/neck (called job stoppers in the tattoo biz) and lacks actual employment AND spends a little too much time on Facebook, I'd say he'd better be awesome in a number of other ways that balance out those potential DB doozies.

Smarty Pants and I discovered some personal DBs recently and have unfortunately come to an end. Apparently his stopping point has something to do with having his girlfriend be emotionally unavailable and not willing to talk about the future. And mine is having someone who resents me for not wanting to go there right now. But I totally get it. It's been almost an entire year and he deserves someone who can commit in every way. It's still a total bummer and I'm trying not to be down in the dumpers about it...or contact him (because apparently that's confusing). What I've found from this experience is that some deal breakers aren't so cut and dry...it's sometimes just a feeling that somethings not right and may never be. And he wasn't even a junkie. Man, we are all crazy.