DANGER! The Side Effects of Dating

There are some great things one can get from a relationship - even a failed one - benefits that include expanded skill sets and knowledge that four years of college could hardly touch. We often don't even realize all we've gotten from a relationship until we are well out of it and into the next one. And it's often that next relationship that highlights what we've gained. An expanded art collection, for instance. Or a better understanding of fiber-rich foods. How to properly cook an omelet. An appreciation of Scandinavian design. Not to mention what you learn in the sack after being with someone for a while. Those are skills that can be most useful, some may dispute. Some people learn whole other languages, travel to the far reaches of the earth for one another or network through their partner to advance their careers before deciding to finally end it all and move on to the next relationship. I know I never would've hiked the Rockies, learned to careen myself down the treacherous hills of Central Park on Rollerblades or found the profundity in zombie movies had I not been in my last relationship.

Then there are the things you can get from a relationship that aren't so great: A regrettable tattoo. A venereal disease. A coke addiction. 50 pound free weights in the back of your closet. An extreme visceral reaction to Obsession For Men....and FAT.

Yep. There is something that happens when you are dating someone you dig. It's all about indulgence. You drink way too much, make out until your lips are raw, sacrifice nights of sleep because you can't stop 'doing it' and eat dessert after every meal. Chocolate never tastes better than when you pair it with wine and a good make-out...in bed. It's easy to pack on the pounds and not realize what's going on until you're well into the relationship and both of you realize you're chubbier than you were when you first met....

I'm dating someone regularly now and noticing us already falling into a pattern of food worship. I always seem to date people who love food as much or more than myself. (which is saying something since I really flippin' love to eat).

You can't diet and date (at least in the beginning) - it doesn't really go together. It's hard enough for people trying to date who don't drink. But those who don't eat? Forget it. How annoying is it to be out with someone who just picks at their food or isn't satisfied with anything on their plate or just plain has food issues? It's a huge turn-off. And it seems to me indicative of how they might be in the Passion Department. These are people who don't know pleasure, right? Eating delicious food is one of life's great pleasures that's even better if shared. And it's one of the greatest advantages to living in New York - the numerous amazing restaurants everywhere you look. It's incredible we're not all 300 pounds here. So you have to leave your Weight Watchers points calculator at home when you're on a date. Good luck calculating the points in half a pitcher of Sangria, four olives, three slices of brick oven pizza and 6 bites of Tartufo. And good luck trying to remember all that after the Sangria pitcher.

I might as well resign myself to gaining a half a pound a date or three dress sizes by summer's end or, wait a second...this may not work out after all. I'm not sure if I'm willing to sacrifice my waistline with bikini season coming up and all. We may have to reel this gastronomic affair in a little and replace it with a lot more fooling around. That burns tons of calories, right?

It's not you, it's......well, yeah. It's you, jerkface.

There really are so many life lessons you can take away from online dating:

• If you meet for a coffee date and you're bored out of your noggin, order a delicious avocado sandwich! It'll really make the date so much better. Plus you won't have to worry about lunch.

• If someone describes themselves as dark and stormy, BELIEVE it. And stay far away. They are doing you a service and letting you know UPFRONT that they are cuckoo bananas. That's sexy for about a half a second. When you're 24 and a hot mess, yourself.

• If you want to get out of a date, there is an art to letting him/her down easy. Lie. I've found lying is good.
  

So the first time I had to get out of a second date, I found myself writing the most brilliant e-mail that I swore I was just going to cut and paste and use again and again because it got such great results. The guy e-mailed me back to THANK me for being straightforward (ha!) and wished me good luck! Really it couldn't have gone better.

I wrote about how I had a great time, happy to have met him but had done a lot of thinking and I really felt that I had recently made a profound connection with someone else and I didn't think I was going to make any other dates because I wanted to explore where that was going.....

The actual e-mail was much better than that, really. I came off a lot more silver-tongued, as you can imagine. I'm just trying give you guys an overview of how....ok, it was pretty much that. But like I said, he bought it and I didn't come off like an asshole or feel like crap.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I have huge rejection issues (even from people I'm rejecting) and I'm having to face these issues directly for the first time in my life. Normally I would just not e-mail, call, communicate with that person again, not wanting any sort of confrontation. Anything to avoid having to be uncomfortable or making someone else uncomfortable. One of my greatest fears is to tell someone I don't like them. I'd rather have someone tell me so. How effed up is that? So it was with great relief that this was a success. But did I learn from my past successes? No. In fact I am still paying the price with the too-much-tongue dude, who can't seem to figure out what went wrong....

Why didn't I just use my winning 'profound connection with someone else' line? I thought maybe, I'd try something else for once. Stupid! In fact, I think I realized how easy I had gotten off in the past with my rejection (form) letter and I somehow wanted to punish myself or pay in some way. I don't know what the fucked up psychology behind it all was but I certainly learned my lesson. Stick to what works, Lady! Don't ever say things like: I think we are looking for different things. or We are on such different tracks in our lives. or It's not you, you're great. It's me. Those are all so cliched and big fat yawn-fests and most importantly, don't work. Believe me, because I've tried using those on the too-much-tongue dude (TMTD) and they all came back to bite me in the rumpus. The TMTD is still e-mailing me, asking me things like: "What IS it you are looking for?" "Explain to me why we are on different tracks??" - and other junk like that. The old me has surfaced and I'm just ignoring his e-mails hoping he goes away.

Believe me I am tempted to be honest about what really went wrong and send him something along the lines of....

Well Sir, Here's the deal. When we "kissed" I was seriously afraid for my pharynx, larynx and esophagus, not to mention my digestive system which had just taken in a fair amount of Moroccan tapas and a good liter and a half of wine. And when I thought about it the next day I had a hard time NOT vomiting in my own mouth as the flashbacks were quite vivid. AND I was then so inspired as to devote an entire blog entry about it because my repulsion could not be purged in any way other than to share it with the cyber universe I call friends.

How do you think that would come off? Not so delicate as that 'profound connection' letter, right? I'm totally sending him that.....if he e-mails again.

Old Dudes Love Young Chicks

I can remember (not too long ago, thank you very much) that magical power-combo recipe that makes up
a lovely, young woman in her early twenties:

two parts just dumb enough + one part overly confident yet insecure enough + a heavy dose of dew and a dash of sparkle.
It's like old dude kryptonite.

Starting from the time I was 22 until my last relationship ended, I dated men who were 10 years older than myself. It never seemed like that big a deal and in fact seemed like a no-brainer since the guys my age (I thought, with good reason) were infants. Little did I know that they are all kind of infants...even the ones who are 10 years older. Just more experienced and therefore manipulative infants. Wow. I don't mean to make this sound bitter because I'm not. I love men. It's all just matter-of-fact information, right? Everyone knows, even men, that they don't ever really grow up in some ways. Although I have seen some close guy friends in the past couple of years really step up to the grown up plate as soon as their baby momma pops one out. That's the real test, I suppose, to truly become a man. And then some, unfortunately, still do not.

For the first time in my life I decided that it's important to date someone around my age. It makes sense. We speak the same language. We both slow-danced to Alphaville's Forever Young at a school dance (that was actually my successful suggestion as our prom theme - yep. I thought I was a genius at the time), we were weened on the Muppet Show (I swear this shaped a majority of my humor) Fantasy Island and The Incredible Hulk (Wonder Woman really was my secret favorite....) and can remember when Pee Wee Herman was seriously the most hilarious character ever created. Paul Reubens really has had a rough time of things these past few years.....ok, it seems I've digressed....

The point is, I can't date people 10 years older than me now because now that I'm older they REALLY seem so old. And they ARE. A guy in his early thirties is much different than a guy in his early forties. I know I should be like "Oh, age doesn't matter. It's just a number. Can't we all just view one another like HUMAN BEINGS and not be so ageist?" But I can't help it. All the guys that have contacted me online or that I've decided to meet who are in their forties seem old and yet so immature. 'Why aren't they dating people their own age?', I'm thinking for the first time. I know what I'm going to get with someone closer to my age now. Yes, they'll still be immature but there's hope for those fellas. Those older guys, maybe not so much. Call me a pragmatic optimist.

I'm now changing my age range from 27-42 to 30-39. It's a tighter net. But I feel good about the prospects.

Oh, and as for the magical power-combo formula that makes up a woman in her thirties? Much superior to the one in her twenties. Sorry, young things - but you have something to look forward to! I'd never go back.

Ms. Lulu's Monthly Investigative Report

The upDATE

Total Views in the last 30 days: 732
Total e-mails: 58
How to calculate winks and hotlist amounts are still too confusing for me without going through the ridiculous list but it's averaged around 30-40 for each.

That doesn't even seem like very much considering the amount of people that have checked out my profile. I either have a super foxy photo that draws them in or a pretty lame profile that turns them away. No matter. It's exhausting enough trying to manage the responses as it is....I just want to be popular. What?? So sue me.

Below you will find the highlights and, um, lowlights from this past month of on-line dating. The learnings here are pretty remarkable. I'm not even sure what my favorite take-away is just yet. Send me YOUR favorites!

HIGHLIGHT
Getting a ride home through Brooklyn from a cute boy on the back of a Vespa after a first date.

LOWLIGHT
Finding out that Vespa Boy really wasn't for me on the second date when he revealed he liked really snoozy jazz and was a bit of a know-it-all.

HIGHLIGHT
Suggesting another dive bar for a second date with Smarty Pants and having that nixed and traded up for a WINE bar. Class act, that one.

LOWLIGHT
Arriving for a coffee date and realizing that I'll never be able to accept an online date without a picture attached to the profile. Turns out, I'm kinda shallow.

HIGHLIGHT
Realizing that I'm not as shallow as I thought when I couldn't bear to go out on a third date with a really rich, handsome gent with a killer SoHo apartment (it had a balcony, guys!) because I didn't think he 'got' me. I guess that's a highlight...fuck.

LOWLIGHT
Receiving a picture of a naked torso with the head cut off and a little pubic hair showing (obviously a self portrait) in an e-mail.

HIGHLIGHT
Engaging in a super steamy make-out session on a Fort Greene park bench overlooking the dog run.

LOWLIGHT
Getting a wink from Naked Torso Guy.

HIGHLIGHT
Having a guy order me Rum and Diet Cokes all night without revealing he was embarrassed about the stupid girl drink - when I knew he really was. A champ, that one.

LOWLIGHT
Being notified that I was on Naked Torso Guy's Hotlist.

HIGHLIGHT
Turning a love of books and shared reading advice into erotic e-mail exchanges. Bookclub has a whole new meaning for me now. Meet the Dirty Librarian, bitches.

LOWLIGHT
Realizing that I was being stalked online by a creepy Naked Torso Guy. He's probably looking at my profile right now. He's there daily....

HIGHLIGHT
Noticing a slight hickey on the neck of Smarty Pants well into our fourth date and realizing I was kinda jealous. It was later revealed that I was indeed the one that gave it to him. Check me out!

LOWLIGHT
Having a weird food binge that involved Water Crackers and Fig Newtons after an awkward exchange of half hug/half kiss on the mouth-cheek in a cab. And we were sober.

Yep. It's been a mad, mad month in the life of this lady detective-sexologist in the making-budding sexpert....well, you get the point. These important findings bring us all a little closer to breaking that romance code - all the while keeping this gal's dance card filled to the brim.

There Is Such a Thing as Too Much Tongue.

Imagine, if you will, a lady (YES, that'd be me, I am a lady) having a perfectly lovely evening sharing a delicious spread of Tapas and getting a little boozy from a fancy bottle of French wine, reminiscing about a favorite outdoor concert at the South Street Seaport last summer and along comes a totally unsolicited four inch tongue. Down my throat. Really! That is uncalled for. The kissing part in the restaurant, I don't mean. I'm fine with that as long as we keep it classy (meaning no boob action and not for too long, I have my standards). But the crazy snake-like tongue gunning for my tonsils? Gross out. What's a girl to do in that situation? Apparently, see if she can tame that tongue with her own into submission. This mission was not accomplished, however and I believe the fella got the wrong idea and decided I was really into it. Who can blame him? I matched his moves and then some trying to make it work. That could sober a girl up real fast.

We all know there is an art to kissing but you never realize how much until you come across someone who really doesn't have it together. I fancy myself pretty skilled in this area so I figure I can speak to this topic with some authority. Kissing is powerful. It's the precursor to sex and possibly representative of how one will be in bed. How else can you explain that single, powerful make-out session that leads to the Deal being Sealed soon after? I know for certain I can be seduced by a talented smoocher. Who can't? It'll either heat things up, stat or cool those jets....stat. In this case, my jets were so, totally cooled. And the night was cut a tad short.

(it has been brought to my attention that I need to include a little more background info for each date. Here goes...)

Stats:
Charming Chap (not so charming after that weird tongue business, guy)
2nd Date - Moroccan/Spanish restaurant - English fellow, 42, hedge-fund blah di wah. Handsome but a bit stuffy (style-wise) for my tastes. Admitted veteran of internet dating. A smidge too eager and pretty nosy about past relationships - why they ended, who ended it, etc. He tried that on the first date and it was an extreme turn-off. He also asked me if I ever tried heroin, which I thought was pretty odd. I struggled with accepting a second date but wanted to give it chance...I think I fulfilled that.

I think I met my match......

This is totally my type. Man....why don't I live in the Bahamas.

c/o my friends Kip and Lee (who met online, btw) Boys after my own heart.