Ms. Lulu's Monthly Investigative Report

The upDATE

Total Views in the last 30 days: 732
Total e-mails: 58
How to calculate winks and hotlist amounts are still too confusing for me without going through the ridiculous list but it's averaged around 30-40 for each.

That doesn't even seem like very much considering the amount of people that have checked out my profile. I either have a super foxy photo that draws them in or a pretty lame profile that turns them away. No matter. It's exhausting enough trying to manage the responses as it is....I just want to be popular. What?? So sue me.

Below you will find the highlights and, um, lowlights from this past month of on-line dating. The learnings here are pretty remarkable. I'm not even sure what my favorite take-away is just yet. Send me YOUR favorites!

HIGHLIGHT
Getting a ride home through Brooklyn from a cute boy on the back of a Vespa after a first date.

LOWLIGHT
Finding out that Vespa Boy really wasn't for me on the second date when he revealed he liked really snoozy jazz and was a bit of a know-it-all.

HIGHLIGHT
Suggesting another dive bar for a second date with Smarty Pants and having that nixed and traded up for a WINE bar. Class act, that one.

LOWLIGHT
Arriving for a coffee date and realizing that I'll never be able to accept an online date without a picture attached to the profile. Turns out, I'm kinda shallow.

HIGHLIGHT
Realizing that I'm not as shallow as I thought when I couldn't bear to go out on a third date with a really rich, handsome gent with a killer SoHo apartment (it had a balcony, guys!) because I didn't think he 'got' me. I guess that's a highlight...fuck.

LOWLIGHT
Receiving a picture of a naked torso with the head cut off and a little pubic hair showing (obviously a self portrait) in an e-mail.

HIGHLIGHT
Engaging in a super steamy make-out session on a Fort Greene park bench overlooking the dog run.

LOWLIGHT
Getting a wink from Naked Torso Guy.

HIGHLIGHT
Having a guy order me Rum and Diet Cokes all night without revealing he was embarrassed about the stupid girl drink - when I knew he really was. A champ, that one.

LOWLIGHT
Being notified that I was on Naked Torso Guy's Hotlist.

HIGHLIGHT
Turning a love of books and shared reading advice into erotic e-mail exchanges. Bookclub has a whole new meaning for me now. Meet the Dirty Librarian, bitches.

LOWLIGHT
Realizing that I was being stalked online by a creepy Naked Torso Guy. He's probably looking at my profile right now. He's there daily....

HIGHLIGHT
Noticing a slight hickey on the neck of Smarty Pants well into our fourth date and realizing I was kinda jealous. It was later revealed that I was indeed the one that gave it to him. Check me out!

LOWLIGHT
Having a weird food binge that involved Water Crackers and Fig Newtons after an awkward exchange of half hug/half kiss on the mouth-cheek in a cab. And we were sober.

Yep. It's been a mad, mad month in the life of this lady detective-sexologist in the making-budding sexpert....well, you get the point. These important findings bring us all a little closer to breaking that romance code - all the while keeping this gal's dance card filled to the brim.